We Saved Our Marriage – Mika Perry

We Saved Our Marriage

 

I like to keep things pretty positive on here.

But something has been laid on my heart to share and put out into the world for quite some time. And it’s not something pretty, it’s not something people talk a lot about, and it certainly has nothing to do with home decor, my kids, organizing, beauty products, whatever it is that I typical share with you on the blog or social media.

But it is a part of my story.

And then Russ WENT AND WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT.

So, well, there you have it. Cat’s out of the bag!

And because of that book and the incredible reactions he’s getting from it, from people coming out of all corners saying that it actually might change their life, or that it resonated with a personal, private pain they just felt so deeply alone in, I realized that sharing MY side of the story could have an impact greater than me, could actually help somebody in a similar pain that I went through.

Vulnerability helps people to connect. And connection is why I do this, my blog, posting on Instagram. I love connecting with other moms and women out there.

Russ has all these launch schedules and timelines for his business, for his speaking engagements, for his coaching, for his show, his book. I wondered “when would be a good time for ME to share this big, very vulnerable part of me, with MY community, with my followers, with my friends and even my family?”

Well, friends, there’s no better time than now, right? And after hearing Meg Marie Wallace speak at my MOPS group this morning, and after experiencing small moments of clarity and connection with others on this topic, over and over and over again (got the message, God!) and thinking “could this be something that could help others?” I decided to just put it out there.

About how our marriage almost ended.

But we decided to save it. God saved it.

So. What happened?

 

In 2012, on the morning Reese turned 2 months, I found out Russ was having an affair.

When they say that the “rug gets pulled out from under you” – this is exactly how it felt. As I held a tiny, swaddled Reese and confronted Russ, I felt like the world had ended. 

I remember I shook as I took Reese to her 2 month check up that morning (I couldn’t forsake my mom duties) and then came home and did what any sane woman would do – I kicked him out, smashed every picture in the house, moved all the money out of our joint accounts into a personal one, and downed a bottle of wine.

I was a wronged woman ON FIRE.

The next thing I did? I went to church.

And then I let Russ back in.

And then we went to counseling.

We discussed divorce.

And then . . .

Russ got sober.

This is where our new story – our new marriage, our new life together, our real relationship, began.

This morning I was moved by the phrase ” to live and love from a scar-filled life.”

Russ and I went through HELL together. I spent two full years completely living in unforgiveness and pain.

PAIN. This is what I see so much in the lives around me, whether it’s an affair, substance abuse, physical abuse, depression, fear, anger, divorce, unforgiveness, jealously, insecurities, loneliness, addictions, etc. There is pain everywhere.

And that pain is what drove Russ to drink, to have an affair, to really stand at the edge of a crumbling life.

Sobriety allowed the TRUE Russ, the man I saw inside, the one I saw deep in his core when I married him, to come out from a shell of pain. And, in his sobriety, our lives have thrived beyond our imaginations. It is what restored our marriage, what allowed me to forgive, and rebuild a foundation of trust that is unlike any foundation we ever imagined our marriage to stand on. It is a stronger foundation.

While I would never wish an affair upon anyone, it was what it took for us to open our eyes, to drop our facades, and realize that you CANNOT coast on automatic in a marriage. Despite the scars it left us with, we are grateful it happened to us. We would have inevitably faced another challenge down the road, or lived a very surface-level marriage together.

When I was going through the pain of the affair, I was very much alone. I felt very lonely and certainly carried a kind of shame. I didn’t like that so many people in my life didn’t know what was really going on, but felt zero strength to share. I knew nobody that had gone through an affair themselves and was able to tell me that they could relate. I’m sure they were around me – but nobody opened up.

This post is not to tell you how we worked through our marriage and continue to do so.  That will be for another time.  And there is SO MUCH MORE to tell you.

Today is to simply share, to raise my hand, and tell you a very honest part of Russ and my relationship. The reason WHY I chose to share is because if I went though it, I know others have too, and maybe are currently in it. Maybe you’re the one that had the affair. Maybe your marriage is in a season of the busyness of kids (I hear ya, we’re there, too!) but you’ve let your marriage fall to the wayside and you’re feeling alone. Maybe there’s an addiction that is wedged between you and the person that is supposed to be your best friend. Maybe you’ve been betrayed in some way and struggle daily with the inability to forgive.

If any of that resonates with you, please know this. There can be an actual bright light at the end of the very dark, long tunnel IF YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT AND KEEP WALKING. It’s really hard to see, I know. But it’s there, it will take work to get there, but it’s worth the hard walk. Because it can lead you to a much more loving place.

You can actually go through infidelity and have a better marriage afterwards.

TRUE STORY.

If you want to find out more about Russ’ side of the story and his path to sobriety, please take a peek at his book, The Sober Entrepreneur. I am a little biased, but it is the best book I have ever read.

For everyone, now you know a little more about me. So the next time you see a post about an organized space in my home, or an outfit I found, or something about my kids, or a recipe I tried, know this – that is authentically, 100% me. That’s all who I am and what I love. But so is a more private but now very open part about me that I hope will help literally even just one person, just to know that I experienced it and am actually better because of it.

XO

Mika

P.S. If there is ANY part of this post that spoke to you, please let me know. I’m a DM on Instagram, an email, or a comment below away to just LISTEN to you from a non-judging, loving place. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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16 Responses
  • Amanda Sessions
    January 26, 2018

    So proud of you girl! God is good. You are called to serve, change lives through the pain the muddy the disasters and you are doing just this! I am always here for you! You and Russ are an amazing couple who Chose to have trust and greatness and look at your marriage now. keep shining your beautiful light, wisdom and real life crap! It happens to too many of us. Jesus loves you Xoxo

  • M
    January 26, 2018

    When my baby was 6 months old, my husband told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married anymore. Here we were, at what should have been the happiest moment in our lives and everything crumbled. I literally felt like i had been hit with a tidal wave and was drowning. He had been dealing with depression but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think it would come to divorce. Lots of life happened over the next year. I’m proud to say that we are still married, but it hasn’t been pretty. We are only just now getting to a point were we play, laugh, and really live our lives together. While this wasn’t an affair or substance abuse, for me, this him-falling-out-of-love-with-me, was the ultimate betrayal. It was everything i’d ever feared. That i wasn’t enough. That i had failed. That i wasn’t his source of joy, like he was mine. What would i tell my daughter one day? – “Sorry kid, mama just couldn’t cut it as a wife?”. Every one around me had perfect (well, you know, close to perfect) marriages. No one could relate. There was literally no one to connect with. This is actually the first time I’ve talked to someone about it. All this rambling to say… Thank you. Thank you for sharing. It did mean something to someone…me. I you (me, anyone else) went through this but thank you for being brave enough to share your story to encourage others. Thank you.

  • M
    January 26, 2018

    ***I’m sorry you (me, anyone else) went through this….

  • Jennifer
    January 26, 2018

    Thank you so much for sharing! I found out this past July after 17yrs of marriage that my husband was/is having a 3-4yr affair, so I’m currently walking this hell out. It’s the darkest time ever, although I’ve filed for divorce as my husband wants to be with her.
    Your story is amazing! Thank you both for sharing, so many are hurting and it’s comforting knowing others have walked in same shoes.

  • Shaina
    January 26, 2018

    I’m almost through Russ’ book and the first thing I thought of when I read the early part where he talks about this was “how does Mika feel about this being open to the world?” It would be so hard for me and I’m so inspired that you both are “all in” about sharing your journey, the highs and the lows, to connect with and help others. “and the then Russ WENT AND WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT”. Lol I died when I read that! Haha

    • Mika Perry
      January 27, 2018

      Yep, leave it to Russ to just go big or go home on something! LOL. Yes, we are absolutely all in – and it is a great feeling to be doing this together. Thanks for your support and kind words, Shaina!

  • Tina Bailey
    January 27, 2018

    I’m so lucky to know you Mika and your beautiful family! I’m so proud of you for sharing this part of your life you are helping people everyday 🙂

    • Mika Perry
      January 27, 2018

      Tina, thank YOU for being such a support to me. From the sweet message you sent when I shared it in our small group, to now continuing to be a source of encouragement to me (when we’re all in shambles at the bus stop, especially!) Love you, Tina!

  • Venessa
    January 27, 2018

    Pure bravery, Mika!

  • Nichola Deahl
    January 27, 2018

    Mika, lovely lady…what a heartfelt and valuable message you’ve shared. It’s not often people reveal the absolute truth …we are usually hiding behind a facade of how we want to be perceived. Thank you. I’ve always admired you and do more so after reading your story.
    Bless you and Russ. Love you both.

  • Karen
    January 28, 2018

    Mike, you and Russ are so open. This book will help many people walk through their own darkness into the light. Thank you so much for sharing. You have always been so special to me.

  • Katy Davis
    January 28, 2018

    I’m so proud of you and the woman you’ve become. Thank you for sharing. I admit, sometimes it felt hard to look on your page because your life always seemed perfect. And I’d compare it to mine… And then I would be the one downing a bottle of wine. haha Just kidding. I think it’s very very brave to share these things, often people DO suffer alone and in silence. You have a platform here to really make a difference. Youre an incredible woman of God, wife and Mom. We’ve come so far from that first lavender and cream apartment! Lol. Love you Meeks!

  • Leah
    February 2, 2018

    Wow! This was so well written and inspiring. Thanks for being so raw and authentic.

  • Karen
    December 11, 2018

    I have been listening to your podcast for a few weeks now. Then I found you on Instagram and this website. Your story and your message really hits home. I am the one with the addiction issue which is driving a dagger through my marriage. I am a mom of 2 young kids, I work full time with a demanding career and alcohol calmed the noise in my mind. I went back and listed to your podcasts about sobriety and I cried and cried. Mostly because I finally was able to see that I don’t need to be ashamed. I can own my crap and then be proud of it! I can’t wait to be at that place where I can look back and say I am proud of myself for making the change. I am excited to see the good that will come of this change and how my marriage will be stronger for it. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has helped me tremendously and I am inspired to move forward on this path of positivity and sobriety.

    • Mika Perry
      December 30, 2018

      Oh Karen! This message means so much to me and thank you for your openness in sharing. I am so happy for the clarity I was able to help bring to you and your habits and thoughts around alcohol. There is NO shame at all – that is created by society. Intentionally making a change and creating the kind of life you want to live is the exact opposite of shame, it’s strength! Sending lots of love to you.

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